


Teamwork: means never having to take all of the blame yourself

by JunkFood



Category: Fast and the Furious Series, The Fate of the Furious (2017)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-08
Updated: 2017-05-08
Packaged: 2018-10-21 06:24:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10679547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JunkFood/pseuds/JunkFood
Summary: Mr. Nobody recruits Hobbs and Shaw to do work that the US Government needs done.  It should be a match made in heaven- both men have unique and complimentary skill sets.  Unfortunately, not much has changed from when they teamed up to take down Cipher- they still can't stand each other!  When their incessant bickering jeopardizes a mission, Mr. Nobody has no choice but to enroll them in couple's counseling.





	Teamwork: means never having to take all of the blame yourself

**Author's Note:**

> I can’t write a cockney accent to save my life. Also, I’m not British so there’s that. Lastly, there is some briefly referenced and non-descriptive M/M non-con discussed in an upcoming chapter. I will label that chapter and make a note however caveat lector.

“Either one of you want to clue me in on what happened back there?”  Mr. Nobody wearily surveyed the two men seated before him- Shaw was slouched in his seat, a bag of ice pressed against his nose; Hobbs had his arms crossed and his legs spread in a confrontational pose.

“GI Joe over there decided to be ‘all he could be’ and blew our cover,” replied Shaw.  The snarkiness of his response was somewhat muted by his obvious exhaustion.

“I told you- I was in the Marines, not the Army,” Hobbs glared at Shaw.

“So you’re a Jarhead- figures.  You have about as much subtlety as 300lb ballerina in a Zumba workout.”

“Well _you’re_ the one who blew our cover by shooting the target dead!”

“That was only AFTER you told him we were from the phone company.”

“It is perfectly plausible that someone from the phone company would be checking the home owner’s laptop connection.”

“With the name _Stinky’s Rooters_ on our overalls?”

“Yeah and so what?  That could have been referring to crummy internet connection….”

“Seriously?  You don’t think the target, a wanted cybercriminal, wouldn’t know the difference between Rooter and Router? ”

“I was improvising.”

“Oh, well then, that’s just peachy.  How about NOT improvising next time.  Or thinking.  Or doing anything more taxing than flexing your ridiculously large muscles.”

“Noticed my muscles did you?  Well,-”

“Ok, ok gentlemen,” Mr. Nobody interrupted, “I can see there’s some tension between you two-”

“Tension?!” exclaimed Hobbs, standing up.  “His Royal Highness panicked and instead of letting me do what I do best, which is talk to people,” he turned to address Shaw, “you know this thing called _communication_ , something you are incapable of-”

“Hobbs,” interrupted Mr. Nobody.  “Sit down.”  Hobbs grimaced and complied.  “I can see that I haven’t been sensitive enough to your interpersonal issues.  Here I thought that saving the world, again, would be enough for you two.  But I see now that I underestimated your grievances with each other.”  Hobbs nodded and Shaw sank further in his seat. 

“Sir,” Hobbs interjected, “I’m glad that you see it my way and-”

“And so that is why I’ve enrolled the two of you in counseling.”  Mr. Nobody smiled and stood up, handing them each a thick packet.  “The therapist requested that you have these workbooks completed prior to your first session, which is tomorrow by the way.  Oh, and she’s got top secret clearance so go to town- tell her anything and everything!”  Mr. Nobody grinned enthusiastically at his audience.  Hobbs’ mouth opened and closed, multiple times, and Shaw sank even further down in his chair- something Mr. Nobody didn’t think was physically possible.  
  
“Sir, I-”

“You wanker.”

“Sir, it’s lunchtime.  Taco Tuesdays- your favorite!”  Little Nobody, with his usual impeccable timing, chose that moment to interrupt them. 

“Well gentlemen, I’ll leave you to it.  Your orders are to not kill each other and to complete these sessions to the therapist’s satisfaction.”  He gave each man a stern look and proceeded to follow Little Nobody to the Cafeteria.  He needed to get Shaw and Hobbs working together.  He hadn’t yet shared with them the main mission, the _real_ reason they were recruited.  But it didn’t matter as they didn’t have a prayer of being successful at this rate.

************  
Deckard unbuttoned his shirt and tiredly sat down at his motel-provided desk.  The workbook, mystifyingly entitled “30 Days to Getting the Loved-up Relationship You Want”, loomed ominously in front of him.  He was sorely tempted to set the book on fire, set the hotel room on fire, and then find Hobbs and kick his arse like he had promised to in New York City.  Then he realized, with a heavy sigh, that he had better hope Hobbs wouldn’t quit before him.  Hobbs’ criminal record had been wiped clean; he didn’t have to cooperate with Mr. Nobody.  Deckard, on the other hand, had a lot more “forgiveness” to earn.  He clearly had made a deal with the Devil on that rooftop in New York City and he only had himself to blame.

_2 weeks prior, New York City_

Deckard had arrived at the rooftop rendezvous point and handed off the baby to an ecstatic Dom and Letty.  Convinced to stick around for dinner, he was currently debating between his two beverage options: Corona or Belgian Ale.  Two equally terrible options if you asked him.

“I would go for the Corona.  We’re having fish tacos for dinner,” said a distressingly familiar voice.

Deckard grabbed an Ale and turned around to face the only man in the world he found more aggravating than his brother Owen- the stupidly-tall, all-American, and annoyingly righteous Luke Hobbs.  Deckard took a long swig of the Ale while glaring at Hobbs- only to ruin the effect by immediately choking on his beverage.

“Ugh, this tastes like piss!” exclaimed Deckard, wiping his mouth and eyeing the bottle in disbelief.  Hobbs laughed at him and took the bottle away from him, only to pour it out in a potted plant.  He grabbed a Corona, snapped the cap off, and gave it to Deckard.

“I did try to warn you,” said Hobbs, with a twinkle in his eye.  “I still want to kick your ass.  No way am I letting the beer do it for me!”

“Ha ha, very funny,” Deckard took a cautious sip of the Corona and was pleasantly surprised.  It wasn’t Guinness but it was rather refreshing in the late afternoon sun.

Tej and Roman were loudly and annoyingly competing for Ramsey’s attentions so they walked to the far corner of the rooftop to avoid the ruckus.  Deckard took a moment to appreciate the light reflecting off of the surrounding buildings.  He tended to prefer more natural scenery but even he had to admit that cities could have a certain appeal.

“Dom told me what you did for him,” said Hobbs.  “With your brother and your Mom.  I can’t condone breaking Owen out of jail but I’m glad that you did.  Elena deserved better than to be murdered by a psychopathic bitch but at least Dom and Letty can do right by the baby.”

“Finally seeing shades of gray, Mr. Hobbs?” inquired Deckard.  With his peripheral vision he could see Hobbs staring at him intently.

“Let’s just say that my world view has expanded a bit in the past few years.”

“Well, don’t get too cozy with me.”  Deckard looked away from the view and turned his attention to Hobbs.  “I’m sure we’ll be on opposite sides soon enough.”  Deckard couldn’t be sure but he thought that Hobbs looked disappointed by this.

“I suppose you’re right.  Make no mistake Shaw, when you fuck up next, I’ll be ready for you.”  Hobbs took one last look at the city skyline and rejoined his daughter and the rest of the team.  Deckard’s turned back to the city skyline.  His gaze became unfocused as he mused what he should do next.  Vengeance for his brother had consumed him for so long that he never gave any thought to what would come after.  It was unlike him to not plan for the future.  Being a mercenary paid well but it was soul-destroying work.  The clients, people like Braga and Mose Jakande, trafficked in human misery.  He didn’t want any part of it.

“What did you say to Hobbs?  He looks like someone told him there wouldn’t be any WrestleMania this year!” said Mr. Nobody, joining Deckard to admire the setting sun.

“I reminded him about reality.  That we all go back to our lives tomorrow and that the next time we cross paths, I may not be so helpful.”

“Yeah about that.  I have a deal-”

“No,” interrupted Deckard.

“Immunity.  C’mon, don’t pass this up.  It’s a once in a lifetime deal!” exclaimed Mr. Nobody.

“No.”

“Okay.  You drive a hard bargain.  I respect that.  Immunity for you AND your brother.”

“Why would you help us?  I tried to kill you.  On multiple occasions.”

 “Let’s just say I recognize a valuable asset when I see one.”

“What’s the catch?”

“No catch.  You just need to work for me, and by extension the US Government, for one year.  One year later and you and your brother will have your lives back and your Mother can stop worrying.  Deal?”

Deckard thought about it, realized he really didn’t have anything better to do and so replied “Deal.”

“Excellent!  I’ll have Little Nobody draw up the paperwork.”  Mr. Nobody wrapped his arm around Deckard’s shoulders and firmly steered him to a seat next to Hobbs at the dinner table.

Dom introduced the newly-monikered ‘Baby Brian’ to the team, much to everyone’s delight, and said grace, much to Deckard’s displeasure as he was forced to hold hands with Hobbs- they spent the duration of the prayer trying to out-squeeze each other’s fist.  He was served a plate of fish tacos, which kind of reminded him of fish and chips from back home.  Tej and Roman were still trying to guess Ramsey’s last name, which Deckard found pretty ironic since he was pretty sure her last name was Ramsey.  Letty laughed at something Dom had said and Samantha was making faces at the baby.  Deckard was surprised by the group’s tolerance of his presence- after all, he killed Han and he had tried to kill most of the people he was currently sharing a beer with.  But he wasn’t so naïve as to confuse tolerance with acceptance- it really would be best for him to take Mr. Nobody up on his offer and not cross paths with Domenic Toretto and friends ever again.

“So, Mr. Nobody, when and where do I report?  And don’t tell me ‘nowhere’ or I may just not show up.”

Mr. Nobody opened his mouth but was interrupted by Hobbs.  “What do you mean ‘where’ do you report?  Don’t tell me you’ve recruited him?” Hobbs said accusatorily to Nobody.

“Well, you declined.  And we have an important target to take care of.  It’s a matter of national security, you could say.  Mr. Shaw, with a little incentive, has agreed to help out.”

Hobbs, visibly fuming, asked “An important target?  Well, you didn’t tell me that you had a matter of national security!  And how can you be sure you can trust him?

“Oi!  Didn’t you just thank me a few minutes ago?  Or did I hallucinate that?” said Deckard.

“Agent Hobbs was very upset when you _died_ ,” interjected Little Nobody.

“Of course I was upset!  I was upset that the mission was jeopardized!” protested Hobbs.

“He punched a wall.  A _steel_ wall.  The dent is still there!” Ramsey loudly whispered to Deckard. 

Hobbs looked angrily at Ramsey, then at Deckard, then at Mr. Nobody, and then fixed his gaze back on Deckard.  “Well, I’ll just have to go with him.”  _Of course_ , thought Deckard, _why did I ever fancy I’d be rid of him so easily…_

“Daddy!  You promised you were gonna stay home!”  Samantha punched her father in the arm.

“Honey, I’m sorry but Daddy has to supervise this….this….” Hobbs waived his hand in Deckard’s general direction, “this _shady_ , tea and crumpets-”

“You’ve already used that insult.”  Deckard pushed his seat back and debated whether or not kicking Hobbs would overturn the table- the fish tacos really were delicious and he’d hate for them to end up on the floor.

“What?” asked Hobbs.

“Tea and crumpets.  You’ve already accused me of that.  By the way, I prefer coffee.”  Deckard crossed his arms.

Mr. Nobody stood up.  “Well gentlemen, it’s great to have you both on board!  As for _when_ and _where_ Mr. Shaw, you can both meet me next Monday in Los Angeles at 9am at the DSS Building, 5 th Floor.  I believe you’ve both been on that floor before.  Shaw, leave the explosives at home.”  Mr. Nobody put on his sunglasses, even though it was almost dark, and turned to Samantha.  “I promise you that your Dad will be home as much as possible.”  She didn’t look convinced.

 _Great_ , thought Deckard, _I’m going to put my life at risk and not even for my own country!_

*****

Eric started the engine of their ironically conspicuous, un-marked black suburban with tinted windows that screamed ‘government agents inside’.  He glanced at Mr. Nobody, who appeared to be deep in thought.

“Sir, if you don’t mind me saying, well played.”

“Hmm?  Oh that little display?  I knew that when Hobbs heard Shaw would be joining us he couldn’t help but follow.”

“And the offer to Shaw?  You really think that’s wise?”

“Maybe, maybe not.  But if we can get these two to work together, they will be unstoppable.”

“And if we can’t?”

“Remember Eric, you never lose everything….”

Eric grinned and pulled out into the street.

*****  
Deckard was jolted back to the present by the arrival of his neighbor’s 14 year old son.  Deckard knew the boy was home from school courtesy of the blaringly loud music the teenager played that easily penetrated the thin motel walls.  Mr. Nobody had insisted that Deckard make his lodgings in an ‘Extended Stay Motel’, courtesy of the US government.  Deckard couldn’t refuse as presently he didn’t have access to his main bank account, nor to his back-up bank account, nor to his back-up back-up bank account courtesy of his Mother- who froze all of his personal accounts as punishment for ‘letting’ Cipher get away.

Deckard steeled himself and finally opened the booklet to the first page.  It was a quiz of sorts entitled “How Well Do You Know Your Partner?”  The first question was “What are some of your partner’s life dreams?”  _How the hell would I know_?, thought Deckard.  The next question was, “Yes or No, I know the names of the people who have been irritating my partner lately.”  Deckard grinned and circled ‘Yes’.  “Yes or No, My partner listens to me respectfully, even when we disagree.”  Deckard emphatically circled ‘No’.  _Maybe this won’t be too bad_ , Deckard thought- until he saw the next question: “Our sex life is satisfying.”  Deckard sighed and got up from his chair.  He looked out the window and took in the urban sprawl that made up Los Angeles.  He wasn’t too familiar with the city but he wondered if he was looking in the general direction of “the valley”, where Hobbs had said he lived.  Deckard didn’t think it was a coincidence that Nobody had them based out of Los Angeles, where Hobbs and Samantha made their home.  _Which meant that that crafty son of a bitch had planned for them to team up all along…_   Deciding he’d completed as much of the workbook as he could stomach for the time being, he laced up his running shoes and headed for the door for some much-needed physical exertion.

***

“Samantha!” Luke yelled out to his daughter.  “C’mon and hurry up!  We’re going to be late.”

“I’m coming Daddy!”

Samantha was at the age where she had trouble getting ready for school in a timely fashion.  Luke wouldn’t let her skip breakfast so she was either going to have to get up earlier or streamline her morning beauty routine.  Luke went to the garage and started the engine of his jeep just as Samantha skidded into view.  She hurriedly threw herself and her backpack in the back seat.

“Sorry Daddy.”

“Don’t tell me sorry.  Tell Mr. Lee _sorry_ when you’re late!”

“But Daddy, you won’t let me be late!  C’mon we can still make it.”

He knew he shouldn’t be encouraging this behavior from her but he really liked the challenge of getting her to school on time without making a single moving violation- the later they were running, the better the challenge.  Luke grinned and peeled out of their driveway.  Some fancy maneuvering and an alley-way shortcut later, Luke pulled into Samantha’s middle-school parking lot with 5 minutes to spare.  His little princess kissed his cheek and said “I knew you could do it”, grabbed her backpack, and catapulted out of the car to first period.  He waved at the parking lot monitor and headed towards work.  He would be grateful for the unexpected downtime with his daughter, if it weren’t the result of him being “grounded” until he worked out his differences with his latest and most aggravating partner.

Shaw was possibly the most infuriating person Luke had ever met.  On paper he seemed to possess the perfect complement of skills to Luke’s own unique skill set.  Where Luke usually relied on brute force to get the job done, Shaw had a more delicate but equally deadly touch.  The man was quick, good at improvising in stressful situations, and surprisingly adept with computers.  It should have been the match made in heaven that Mr. Nobody had clearly hoped for- instead they could barely stand to be in the same room together.  Luke knew he wasn’t blameless- he just couldn’t help but antagonize the man.  Their last mission together, the mission responsible for their one-way ticket to the therapist’s chair, went pear-shaped before it even started.  Shaw had wanted to go after the target at night but Luke was worried that their intel was bad and that their window of opportunity was quickly closing.  Luke ended up being right to be concerned- their target had been tipped off that the government was coming after him and he would have been gone had they made the attempt at night.

The target had been staying at a business partner’s condo so Luke insisted that he and Shaw pose as contractors sent by the home owner’s association.  The plan was for them to make a “house call” and for Shaw to download the sensitive data off of the laptop in ‘plain sight’.  Luke was to be his backup and distract the target if needed.  Unfortunately for them, the target decided to have an “all hands” meeting with his criminal colleagues and needed his laptop- he walked into his office just as Shaw was finishing the download.  Luke started to try to talk their way out of the situation when the man fell dead in front of him, courtesy of a bullet Shaw put between his eyes.  Together, in their escape, they had managed to seriously maim or kill several of the target’s criminal colleagues and blow up the condo’s parking garage, which was not ideal as they were supposed to keep a low profile.

Luke pulled into a parking space and belatedly realized he had arrived at work.  The therapist conveniently worked in the DSS building, meaning at least he didn’t have to fight LA traffic to attend the mandatory sessions.  Despite Mr. Nobody’s threats, he hadn’t bothered to crack open the workbook nor would he.  He was going to find a way to get out of this.  He grabbed his gym bag and made his way to the building’s entrance.

“Did you do your assignment?” a gravelly voice greeted him from behind.  Luke turned around and saw Shaw approach him with his motorcycle helmet in his hands.

“No.  Why would I do that?  We’re going to resolve this like adults- with a fist fight.”

Shaw laughed.  “Oh really?  Finally ready to get your arse handed to you?”  Placing his helmet on the ground, Shaw dropped into a fighting stance and replied “Alright big boy, let’s see what you’ve got.”

Luke dropped his gym bag and was preparing to fight when his cell phone rang.  He begrudgingly reached into his pocket and saw that it was Mr. Nobody.

“Yes sir,” he answered.

“You and Shaw have 5 minutes to get your asses up to the therapist’s office.”  Mr. Nobody hung up.  He didn’t need to make any _or else_ threats- Luke understood the consequences perfectly so he gathered up his belongings and headed towards the building’s elevators.

Luke looked back to Shaw and said, “That was Mr. Nobody.  You can thank him later for saving your ass.”

“That’s my line.”

And this is why Luke found Shaw to be so very infuriating- he always, ALWAYS had to have the last word.


End file.
